She had only slept very little the previous night and the days had been full. It had been one of her first tantric retreats and it all had been very exciting. She had been cooking at the event and in between her work she was allowed to join the event. It was great, such a gorgeous, magically tingling experience. And now it was done. The event was closed, the participants had left and the facilitator of the event, together with the team was enjoying a last sauna together. Everyone was there, she, the cook she had been assisting, the facilitator, the
assistants, all enjoying this after-event glow. What a ride. She was lying down, resting her naked body on the warm wood, enjoying the heat and the company of all these lovely people. It felt good, it felt safe. Her tired body relaxed, her mind at ease, listening to the conversations in the room. The facilitator was sitting opposite from her.
A plate of some fruits was brought into the sauna and the next things she feels is that the facilitator has placed a fruit, maybe a strawberry or a grape, she doesn't know, on her yoni. Looking at her, the facilitator says into the space, that has now grown silent; 'If there is consent, maybe (this male assistant) wants to eats this off your yoni." It is hardly a question. She says: I'm ok with that. 'The addressed male assistant answered the facilitators call and with his lips, he plucks the fruit from her yoni. She feels his lips touching her.... Her body reacts, she needs to get out of here. She leaves the sauna. No-one comes after her. She goes to her room, all she can think about is how to get under the shower and how she could have had this happen to her. She blames herself, it was her fault, she should have said 'no!', she would have never agreed to this normally, what was she thinking, how could she have done this. How will she tell her partner, this is such a breach of their relational container.
Oh my God, what a untrustworthy person she actually is...' This situation has actually occurred. And it took a long time talking before this person could see that she had not overstepped any agreements but that she was a victim here who's boundaries were severly crossed in a situation that looks innocent but really is not.
I am wondering how you are feeling right now, after having read this account of this story. Have you spotted the elephant? Maybe you thought that it sounded like a juicy tantric experience, in a field glowing with sexual energy, options for healing abundant, growth at every step you take, the magical world of (neo-)Tantra. Maybe you wished you would have been there, maybe even that you plucked this fruit...
Unfortunately, there is quite a big problem in this world, showing up in many places and even more stories of travelers into this world, the majority of those women, and that is a complete lack of any understanding of consent. Consent is done away with as 'heady', 'boring', "taking the magic away, 'killing spontaneity'. Yet, consent is what allows our bodies to feel safe to truly go into having the experiences we choose to have, within the frame of our expressed desires. It creates awareness of ownership for who a certain action is, and who is doing that action. It creates space, time and choice.
Consent is empowering. Let us unpack this situation from the viewpoint of consent.
First of all, there is not really such thing as 'spontaneity', especially in situations like this, in a group setting. We do what we do and we react how we react based on conditioning, past (traumatic experiences, programming, etc and our conscious mind is most often hardly aware of this. It already takes quite the bit of training oneself to get these mechanisms in sight and from then on constant vigilance to not loose track of oneself and fall back into these behaviors, especially in new situations or when we are tired or ...a plate of fruit was brought into the sauna.
The facilitator addressed her; 'Dear, I just had a funny idea. I want you to check into your body and tell me, how would it feel you to you right now if I were to place a fruit, this strawberry here, on your Yoni, and then I'll ask if (certain male assistant) wants to eat it off, how does that feel to you.? She closed her eyes for a second, checks into her body. This is what should have happened, at the very least.
But it goes deeper than that. Imagine you are there, this is not just a random person asking this of you, one of the assistants or your colleague you have been working with, it is the facilitator of the event surrounded by her team of assistants, in the afterglow of your first retreat where you worked with these wonderful people. This means that there is a power dynamic at play and to some people, with a configuration that is sensitive to that, this triggers systems where they react not from their free conscious self but from a place of trauma, being obedient to a dominating mother figure for instance.
In consent based work, there needs to be a deep understanding of who is doing the action and who that action for. Everything in this situation went wrong here, if we look at it through that lens. How could the facilitator have put a fruit on someone's yoni without asking if it was ok to do so? This was not an exercise in the event, with a participant who on forehand agreed to this happening to her.
Why did the facilitator not choose one of her assistants? This was the cook's assistant that she had not met before this weekend. Why was there not a clear question asked? The statement; 'If there is consent, then (certain male assistant) might eat this off is hardly a question, nor leaves it a lot of room to maneuver, especially with a knife on your throat/fruit on your yoni.
Who was this action for? It was clearly not for the victim, she had not asked for it, it was the idea of the facilitator to place the fruit there but then still someone else needed to eat it off, yet no one had expressed a desire if such a situation could be created so that that desire could be lived (lam very curious if the one who ate the fruit off reacted out of free will or was answering also to group pressure, wanting to be a good boy to the facilitator/mommy. From the story I got from her there was something of a connection feelable between them throughout the weekend, did the facilitator noticed that too and was there a sort of provocation of that in this sauna heated setting?).
If it was not for the victim, nor for the one who did the eating, then it must have been for the facilitator, who had the idea in the first place and then projected that outward, unaware of the power dynamic at play, unaware of the consequences of that action, with the victim leaving the space in flight response. And no one coming after her, nobody noticed. All too often stories of this nature, with far too often women as the victim, come to the surface in the (neo-)tantric field.
I strongly call out any facilitator who thinks that this is ok, or that 'she should just get over herself' or 'it was just some fun'. We need consent conscious facilitators in this field who are capable, and willing to act out their roll as facilitators impeccable, aware of the power dynamics at play and trauma informed. Fuck ups happen and no one is perfect, that is not the point here, situations as the one described are actually quite amazing opportunities to feel things, learn and grow. But only if there is awareness around what is happening and if there is consent about stepping onto these grounds, creating space, choice and time.
These are vital ingredients to creating any opportunity for healing and growth, the body needs time, choice, the freedom to say 'no', and the space within the other to let this 'no' be heard and honored. For that to happen the other needs to be completely aware if they are running any agenda or are in any way attached to their question being answered positive.
Who is doing the action and who is it for? In my opinion the time is long due for the (tantric) world to accept this lack of consent awareness, especially tucked away under 'I just love being spontaneous and magical". Fuck that. This is (re)traumatizing people, and the 'spontaneous and magical' ones are usually not the ones left with the work it takes to sort through the mess afterwards.
History has shown before that a fruit, at the wrong place at the wrong time, becomes a symbol from something larger, and far darker. History will keep on showing us this until we actually slow down and with present moment awareness feel into our bodies and choose to respond differently. I hope this article can help to open up the field to the wider discussion, we need to address the tantric elephant. Writing this is my way to address it, having heard so many stories of this kind, even in my relatively short stay in this field. I feel it as personal calling to address these matters and to teach and educate people about consent as a Somatic Consent facilitator. It is time to clean out the temple spaces, name the elephants and to truly grow and heal together.
Luckily, this story has had a good outcome. The lady in question got support from her network and went to the facilitator and brought her experience to her. She was well received and together they unpacked the event. The facilitator was able to see how she operated from shadow and could even name that shadow, bringing it into the light. Both grew from this experience and are looking forward to be working together again soon. Most remarkable was the change in the body of the lady in question. From being completely disembodied and grayish, she went to a vibrant energy again, looking fully alive, being able to let go of the energies of the event. This is how deep this stuff goes, this is how important consent is, this is how, as a facilitator, we need to be constantly checking ourselves if we are in integrity, if we are not operating from shadow (or if we catch ourselves and track that we are actually in shadow, to take appropriate action and bring it into the light).
And to always remember; 'Who is doing the action and who is that for?'
